Confessions of a Non-Runner Runner

I have always hated running unless I was either (a) chasing a ball or (b) being chased. The only motivation I had for running in high school were the coaches who would just make me do more of the loathed activity if I didn't complete the first round. So I ran to avoid running.

Sure, I tried to "go for a run" every once in a while with Jamie (who is what you might call a "runner"), but it never caught on. Some people talk about how great it is to pray while they run or how it clears their mind or allows them to think about their day, prepare a talk, or engage other productive thoughts. My mind on the other hand always thought about the same thing: "You're tired. Why are you doing this? You know, you're running for no reason. There is no one chasing you and you're not late for anything. Why don't you just walk, Self?" At which time I would give into these thoughts and walk back home for some ice cream to congratulate myself for getting out of the house.

So, this morning as I ran a short run, I thought about how odd it is that I have picked up running over the past year as a hobby. Ok, let's be honest; What I've picked up is jogging. But, I did participate in a marathon relay (pictured - and well worth it because I ran 5 miles and got a t-shirt & a medal that said I completed a marathon.) AND, I managed to complete a half marathon. Don't get me wrong, I still hate the part about working when I don't have to, but I've learned to do it anyway.

Here's how:
1) I'm lazy. That's right, I run because I'm lazy. Running is the fastest, easiest way to stay in shape, so I don't have to buy any equipment except shoes and I don't have to think of other, more creative ways to remain relatively healthy.

2) NPR. I'm pretty sure most people assume that I'm listening to "pump-you-up music" like Michael Phelps through my telltale white ear phones. Well, I hate to disappoint, but 75% of the time, it's an NPR podcast. (And of the remaining 25%, probably 1/2 of the time I'm listening to a sermon. So, Kanye and friends only make it through less than 15% of the time). "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" is a great way to get the news of the week AND get a good laugh. Plus, there's the added benefit of the weird look from strangers as you laugh out loud while you run past them. Just a few Paula Poundstone and Peter Sagal mockeries of our president later, and you've almost run a mile without thinking about how hard it is to breathe. Another good one for word nerds like me is the "Sunday Puzzle." Not only do you get to listen to the soothing voice of Will Shortz, but while your mind tries to figure out how you can rearrange the letters in "egomaniac" to "spell a familiar sign seen in many stores," you're logging miles and not the least bit worried about the fact that your legs feel like jell-o when you're at least 20 minutes from home.

3) Trash Talk. Anyone and Everyone. This morning, it worked to trash talk myself: "One mile down - and in just over 10 minutes. That's not terrible. Wait a second, Self. Isn't a mile pretty close to the 1500m you watched Lagat run in about 3 and a half minutes yesterday? That's right, it only took you three times as long. Now stop thinking about how you want to walk!" Perhaps it's the voice of my high school coaches in my head, but it does no good to argue that comparing a part-time jogger to an Olympic-trained athlete makes no sense. Hey, if it motivates me, I'm not going to worry about logic. You can also trash talk the neighbors: "I wonder if they meant for their front lawn to look like a staging ground for landfill?" (I told you my thoughts weren't productive. They're not always uplifting either.)

4) Sprint the last part. Not only will all of your neighbors think you ran that fast the whole time and be impressed, you will convince yourself you ran that fast the whole time, too. Plus, it adds to the out-of-breath factor, which tricks your brain into thinking you're a runner instead of a jogger.

5) Goals. The bottom line is, I would not get out of bed if I didn't have a race or something that I "had" to prepare for. "If you don't run the 3 miles today, you won't be able to run the 5 miles this weekend and then that $70 you paid to run with 5,000 other people will REALLY be wasted." Plus, if you enter a race, they give you a really comfy shirt for "free."

So, I hope that helps someone out there who hates running. If you are one of those people who LOVES to run and can't get enough of it and is going to tell me that if I just run far enough or long enough, I will experience one of those "runner's highs," I don't want to hear about it. Thanks for playing, but if you keep talking about that, I'm not sure we can be friends anymore.